Akatsuki Leader
by Jack of Chocolate
Summary: Who IS the Akatsuki leader?
1. Chapter 1

Akatsuki Leader

* * *

Naruto, Sasuke, and Sakura had escaped from Konoha. It was too easy; both of the guards were reading porn. They were pretty sure ANBU would be after them in a few hours when they realize they're gone, but that wasn't important. Aside from painful torment and punishments that will come later, there was not much. After all, they had bigger things to worry about. Something that's been bugging them since they were born. Okay, maybe not. It was just a passionate love of curiosity as some called it (meaning, Naruto, Sasuke, and Sakura). Others called it, "stupidity." There was no turning back now. One thing they _had_ to know: Who _is_ the Akatsuki leader? 

They had traveled long ways for this very answer, tired and worn out. Of course, they had taken the long way for some idiotic reason, so it took at least 7 times longer. They had packed a lot of sugar for their food supply causing many things to blow up with their ultimate sugar overdose ordeal. All three had their hyper day, and by the end of it, they would crash and sulk (except for Naruto, because he was the hyperactive madman). Or drop dead. I prefer drop dead. They came upon coleslaw, and decided that if they should ever survive the deadly claws of the Akatsuki leader, that they would give him coleslaw. Everyone loved coleslaw!

So, with coleslaw they went, to the Akatsuki where sibling rivalry would rise. No, not really. The two prodigies plotted an evil plan and killed their clan together. Sasuke made up the story about him crying, blah, blah, blah… They pretended to fight and all the shit. They were two very evil geniuses. Well, that's what it said on a certain website which was currently shut down because the owner had severe mysterious injuries. Ahem. But that's another story. And also not very important.

They came upon the Akatsuki, and found that the organization was a mansion. A very enormous mansion. "Naruto? Are you sure this is the right address?" Sakura asked quite with disbelief. The blond boy scratched his head and glanced at the piece of paper he had brought. On the top of the piece was paper, it read, "Yahoo!" But he didn't know that. He wasn't bilingual. The map was familiar, but the words confused him. "I'm not really sure, Sakura-chan," he said looking at the large mansion in front of him, "I got the map from a foreign website." Sakura's eye twitched violently, and punched him hard on the head. OUCH.

Sasuke looked at the mansion before him, and raised an eyebrow. He walked up to the door and rang the doorbell. His two other teammates looked at him in the middle of their friendliness. "One way to find out…" Sasuke murmured, while the two followed behind him, waiting for the result. The door creaked open, and instead of a person, they happened to be looking down at a black cat, with two tails. The cat meowed, and retreated into the house. Naruto, Sakura and Sasuke exchanged confused looks, and returned their gaze at the currently open door.

"What is it?" a voice echoed from the darkness. A little girl, about 4 feet and 8 inches, walked up to them. She was wearing a simple dress and she smiled. It was happy, but at the same time disturbing. The three sheepishly smiled back, and started talking. "Well, we were wondering if this was the Akatsuki…" said Naruto beginning the conversation. "But I guess this isn't it. Sorry for bothering you." Sakura finished quickly. The three began to turn away, before the girl began talking again. "No, you're at the right place. The former leader had fallen into a terrible illness," she started sympathetically, "And died. If you know what I mean." And laughed maniacally, but silenced becoming emotionless like nothing happened. Team 7 felt dazed. _This _was the Akatsuki? "Please, follow me."

* * *

The three uncomfortably sat in their way-too-fancy-for-their-silly-old-self-but-sit-in-it-anyway-because-this-girl-freaks-them-out-like-rotten-coleslaw chair. But, the little girl seemed completely okay with this, and she had been kind enough to serve them tea. "So," she started, after a sip of her tea, "Would you care to introduce yourselves?" The three glanced at one another, quietly whispering to decide who would say a portion of their pathetic lives first. They had decided on Sakura, and they took turns introducing themselves. The little girl, who was petting the cat, soon spoke up again. "My name is Rai. I am one of the best friends of the new Akatsuki leader." Her green eyes looked quite maniacal, and she distracted herself with the ebony locks which happened to be in her eyes.

While the silence lingered, a figure stepped into the fancy room, and everyone recognized who it was. It was Uchiha Itachi! …With Red Bull. Sasuke raised an eyebrow, amused by such a scene. But, he had to pretend to hate him, so put on a glaring face. "My dearest, you have arrived with my drink," she said and pointed to where to place the drink. Itachi placed it on the table, and came face-to-face with his little brother. He smirked very slightly and replaced it quickly with an emotionless face before anyone else saw. He then left without a word. "Now," Rai began again, "Tell me why you are here."

Sasuke hadn't taken a single sip from the drink, and neither had Sakura, but Naruto… Let's just say he finished it in one gulp. And, _suppose_ it had lots and lots of sugar in it. And he got a bit more hyperactive than expected. That leads to this situation where Naruto is laughing maniacally, murmuring things about mixing genes with bunnies and crocodiles. Then when the question came up, Naruto stared at her with an evil smirk. Sakura and Sasuke shared worried looks, and stared back at their blond little friend. Instead of answering her, he took out a stone and a piece of paper. He drew little faces on them and played puppet with it. "Hello, Mr. Pebblestoned. How are you today?" he asked in a weird voice, making the paper jump as if talking to the stone. "Why, I'm fine, Mr. Papercocaine. What brings you here?" The stone had received the British accent.

Suddenly, both toys went up in flames. Literally. And then, Naruto suddenly exclaimed, "And then, they ALL DIED! NYAHAHAHAHA!" While Naruto was having a moment, Sasuke took the time to answer Rai's question. "Well, just out of curiosity, we were wondering… Who _is_ the Akatsuki leader?" Rai blinked. And blinked. "Is that all?" Sasuke and Sakura both nodded, ignoring the thunder claps and blood curdling screams in the background. It was probably Naruto, but that wasn't important right at the moment. She grinned in that happy, yet disturbing way again. "The leader is not feeling very well. Won't stay for awhile? Knowing runaway ninja as yourselves," she continued, "Your village will be looking for you." The girl seemed to know a lot, considering she was about only 8 or 9.

Sakura shrugged, Sasuke turned mute, and Naruto cackled evilly. They decided on staying, I mean, where else could they go? "Deidara!" yelled Rai. 'Who the hell is Deidara?' Sasuke asked himself, finding no answers. Naruto, still being high on sugar, twitched occasionally. "Sasuke, Sasuke!" Naruto called out, immediately catching the boy's attention. The younger Uchiha slowly turned his head almost scared to see what he's doing. "Look what I can do!" he yelled, and kissed him. Sasuke didn't quite understand what had happened, blinked a few times and then immediately realized, pulling away from him. Sakura didn't care; they seemed to do that a lot. The guy, or girl, named Deidara soon walked through the door. "What do you want… yeah?" Okay, so he was a guy. Or a girl with a really deep voice. That would be scary.

"Show these wonderful guests to their rooms. They're staying for a while until the leader feels better." She then waved her hand vaguely telling him to take them away. "But I thought—" he started, but was sharply cut off. "Shut up. You know nothing." The blond with a ponytail sighed, and muttered a "this way." Naruto giggled the whole way through, while Sakura and Sasuke looked around curiously. They passed some Akatsuki members, which included Itachi who was almost caught manicuring his nails… again. Sasuke was about to dissolve into terrible laughter, but the thought of his older brother slaying him helped suppress the fit. Naruto on the other hand, cackled away making many stare at the three. Sakura shook her head in shame.

They soon reached the rooms, and then Deidara irritably muttered, "If you need anything, call Zetsu… yeah," and he walked away. Naruto's room was on the left, Sakura's in the middle, and Sasuke's on the right. When they walked in their rooms, they _never_ came back out. Because the pencil ran out of lead. THE END! –insert evil laughter here–

Nah, I'm kidding.

Tea was served again the next day, and Naruto again drank it. "Naruto," Sakura interfered from his tea time, "Aren't you going to get high again?" The blond nodded violently and ran away bumping into many of the nine S-ranked criminals. Sasuke ignored it, and walked after him. "Sasuke-kun, where're you going?" Sasuke glanced at the girl, and answered, "To visit an old friend of mine." He spoke no more, leaving Sakura confused. 'Whatever,' thought the pink-haired girl, 'I have nothing else to do so… I'll tag along.' This can't be good.

"Look, Zetsu. We don't like you so go away… yeah," said Deidara to an oversized Venus flytrap. The five criminals sat lazily not wanting to get out. Sasori nodded in agreement with Deidara, while Kisame tried to push the flytrap out the window. Itachi observed his beautifully manicured nails. "Why don't you like me!" Zetsu cried in his light voice. Kisame gave up on pushing him out the window because he didn't fit. This was when Naruto jumped in, running from... "That bubble gum lady is out to get me!" …the bubble gum lady. He was bouncing off the walls, and finally, he landed on Deidara's head. "What the hell!" yelled the pony tailed blond with an S-criminal status. Naruto whimpered staring intensely at the door, waiting for the "bubble gum lady" to walk in. The door slowly opened, and he bolted, attacking whoever was behind it.

He had almost viciously devoured Sasuke's head, and the said boy was not amused. Naruto didn't even apologize and crawled back inside the room while Sasuke walked in after him. He was faced with four unfamiliar people, which obviously excluded Itachi. Naruto blinked and leapt up standing right next to Sasuke with the fear of having his head decapitated. "Hey, Itachi! He looks just like you… yeah," said Deidara. Kisame tried smiling in a friendly way, but it just turned out to look like an evil smirk. Naruto noticed the friendly smile/evil smirk and screamed like a little girl then clung onto Sasuke's arm. "What are you doing, dobe?" Naruto was probably still high on the caffeinated tea, and was er, high. "I'm being scared, what the hell do you think I'm doing, teme!"

Then they stood in the awkward silence while Naruto twitched violently and with his eyes wide open. "Let's play Connect Four!" yelled Kisame. That cracked the silence, but no one spoke after him. After a few moments or so, Itachi spoke up. "You know Connect Four sounds wrong, right?" They all glanced at each other and took out the fabulous game out of nowhere. Now let's watch as they soon meet their downfall as magnificent ninjas!

Sakura Vs. Deidara was way too long, and they had to stop the game. Although they had played only 2,754 games, it was getting boring. Naruto soon crashed and his head spun like a top. But not really a top, though. Even though he did crash, he was still hyper. I don't know how he does it. Everyone was poking each other, a sure sign that they were bored. "Hey! Look what I found!" yelled Naruto who was mysteriously gone without them noticing. He brought in a very large dark green trashcan with the word "Osh" on the front. They stared suspiciously, wondering why it was there. "It has no trash in it, but I found something that looks like a weapon!" Having nothing to do, the seven of them walked toward the wonderful trashcan.

"What is it?" Sakura asked curiously. It was circular, with latex sort of material covering it. In other words, it was a condom. A rainbow condom that read, "Peace." But they didn't know that, and they didn't have to because it's funnier that way. "Maybe it was used to cut people's fingers off!" Naruto exclaimed elatedly, while everyone else kept staring at it. "I don't think that's the idea of this item, Naruto. It's not sharp or anything… yeah." Deidara pointed out, causing Naruto to be less elated. Itachi stared intensely at it, and then finally realized what it was. My lord, did they not know what it was? The older Uchiha was on the verge of bursting into laughter, but he managed to hold it in. He tried paying attention to his nails, but it wasn't working like he expected.

'Hopefully, it wasn't a used one,' thought Itachi still holding in the laughter. He silently walked away and sat in a stool, trying to calm himself down. The rest of them still stared at the strange material. Sakura shrugged, not caring anymore, and walked out of the door. Sasuke and Naruto followed their teammate ignoring the murmurs of the criminals wondering what that was. "Let's just find out who the Akatsuki leader is ourselves, guys. I mean, we have to go soon." Sakura said reasonably. They agreed carelessly; what else did they have to do? They walked back to the fancy room where Rai was, and Naruto asked her. "Can we see the Akatsuki leader now?" Rai blinked, and she twitched. But she nodded and led them to a place. It was a large room with a throne against the wall. Strangely, the throne was empty. "Why is it empty?" asked Sakura, clearly curious. "That's because…" Rai slowly replied to her question, "SASUKE IS THE AKATSUKI LEADER!"

"WHAT!" Naruto and Sakura exclaimed, while Sasuke kept quiet. "How can he be the leader? He couldn't be the leader; he'll try to poison his brother's tea! It couldn't possibly… Sasuke! Are you listening!" Naruto ranted on frantically. Sasuke was pulled toward the throne and seated down. Rai placed a cute little tiara on his head, and said, "Yes, our leader," then bowed in front of him. Then orange juice spilled everywhere, while books flew in and out trying to paper cut—

Hold on. That can't be right! Oh, well.

* * *

A/N: Yeah, I know. It's pretty much crack with no certain plot.I had another plan for the ending, but nah... I love leaving people hanging. It confuses them. Of course, that's different with a lot of people. And the whole coleslaw thing, inside joke. Sorta. Review please! 


	2. Chapter 2

Leader Sasuke

A/N: This is a VERY late sequel to _Akatsuki Leader._ I suggest you read that first. Or you can read this. But you'll be extremely confused to a point where you may need therapy.

Oh yeah. MAJOR OOC-NESS.

It also contains some traces of SasuNaru. Probably for crackish purposes.

Enjoy.

* * *

The Akatsuki was a little more interesting now. Sakura and Naruto were to stay because well, they had to. Because the evil author here said so. Sasuke was bored all the time, although Rai would read him princess fairytale stories.

Okay, not princess fairytale stories. More like horror stories. Which involved crazy stories about fangirls turning into murderous stalkers. Rai was still tiny, and she twitched a lot. Naruto would have strange emotional breakdowns, and Sakura would become sarcastic. Observe what the tea has done to them.

Sasuke had grown to love the shiny tiara on his head, and he loved the power. Naruto had given the coleslaw to Sasuke and the boy reluctantly ate it. He threw up shortly afterwards, because Naruto had put a cockroach in it. But he didn't have to know that. Naruto just told him he included a very crunchy ingredient in the coleslaw.

Anyways, Naruto was one day summoned by the awesome lord. "Come, Naruto," said the greatness, "You shall be my personal slave." Naruto gaped at him in a what-the-fuck-you-fucking-bastard way. But, there was no questions asked.

But that wasn't the end. Sasuke then summoned Sakura. She bowed before him, and then the lord spoke to her. "You shall be my court jester!" He threw her three juggling balls (don't be thinking wrong) and motioned her to go away.

"But—" started the pink haired kunoichi, but was cut off immediately.

"No buts." The girl sighed and walked away. 'But I can't juggle…'

These arrangements were made, and Naruto was traumatized. But, he felt a lot better when he saw tea around the corner. "The TEA!!!!!!" he cried out in frenzy happiness. He ran towards the cup of tea and quickly downed it.

There was coincidently another cup after another and he drank it all. 'Hmm… The tea tastes slightly different,' he thought, but he minded none.

_Minutes later…_

"Lord Sasuke!" cried Rai scrambling toward the awesomely pink chair on the verge of tears, "Naruto… Naruto is…" She gasped for breath from the running. Sasuke's eyes widened. What's happened to Naruto? If something happened to Naruto, his personal slave would be gone! He would not tolerate this!

"Why, what happened?" he asked frantically. "He—" she started, but was cut off by the said blond.

"Sasuke-teme…" Naruto groaned out, and staggered toward the leader. His face was flushed and red; his eyes were hazy and dull. "He seemed to have consumed a certain amount of," Rai paused for a dramatic effect, "_Sake._"

The world gasped.

Naruto being diagnosed as a sake-drunk ninja, he stood dizzily before Sasuke. "Teme!" he called out again and was only inches away from the chair. The blond giggled and jumped on Sasuke's lap.

O.O

"I like you." The leader was startled for his slave to say something like so, but he put on a calm face. And feverishly (because he was drunk) Naruto kissed the Akatsuki leader.

Which happened to be Sasuke.

Sasuke's eyes widened. This was the third kiss in his life with the same person each time. Rai's jaw dropped and her eyes filled with shock. While their kiss continued, Itachi walked in saying, "Here's the tea you ordered, Sas—"

But he didn't finish his sentence because of the sight before him. His ingenious younger brother making out with his blond teammate… was just… HOT. He immediately dropped the tea, causing it to clank to the floor. He couldn't help but stare.

To everyone's dismay, they broke the kiss, going back to their daily lives except for Naruto who fell unconscious mumbling something about "Mr. Pebblestoned." Sakura came in for a visit who happened to see Naruto's unconscious body being dragged towards a door, but shrugged it off.

"I am here to entertain you, Sasuke-sama," she spoke with a sarcastic tone, feeling this was totally not cool. She had learned how to juggle, and it was pretty easy. When she was about to start, Sasuke mumbled, "Go away you foolish woman. I need some time alone." And with that, she was dismissed.

Sasuke pondered about the wonderful moment of bliss he and his teammate shared. He felt so confused, I mean, what was this feeling he had in the pit of his stomach? Surely it meant something. Hopefully it wasn't nausea.

_I think it's called being gay,_ said a little voice in his head, _Oh, definitely, Uchiha. I knew it all along._

His eyes widened and he looked all about. Rai had left along with Naruto to a door he didn't know about. He _had_ heard some nightmarish screams, but he didn't make much of it. Then, out of nowhere, a little version of himself in a devil costume popped upon his right shoulder.

"…Goddamn it, the stupid tail… Hello, little man. Do you realize your feelings now?" asked the devilish looking Sasuke, sounding rather evil and manly.

_Stop! Don't listen to that despicable little rat! He's playing with your mind, that's all,_ said another voice which happened to belong to a lighter tone of his own voice.

A moment later, another miniature version of himself in a white dress with wings appeared on his left shoulder. "Stupid panty hose… No! You are NOT homosexual, I could tell you that. Every kiss gives off an illusion of some sort if vaguely put."

Sasuke was dazed from these two figures. But, he brushed off the fact that they were there and started thinking.

Sure, he's never dated a girl or really talked to one except Sakura and well… Rai. But that didn't explain anything! So, what if his first, second, and third kiss was a guy? That happens commonly, right? And also, what if he and Naruto spent most of their time training to get closer to one another?

That doesn't say a single thing!

Yes, the Uchiha had some dreams about the two of them, but that was just a dream! Of course he felt the deep disgust when he even thought about dating a girl—

Sasuke gasped and covered his slightly parted mouth. "So little man, did you realize your true identity?" asked the miniature devil of Sasuke. The angel Sasuke crossed his/her arms and fumed. "He is NOT gay!" he/she yelled right back.

The red costumed figure rolled his eyes and spat back, "Oh right. _He's_ straight and I suppose YOU'RE straight too, right?" Their "friendly" conversation went on, and Sasuke was still stupefied from his realization. Not noticing the yelling until later on, he finally cut them off. "Ok! Ok! I get it now. You guys can go…" And with that, they both disappeared.

* * *

"Are you sure he's ok?" asked Sakura with a worried face.

"Oh, he's fine. He had couple cups of sake, that's all," said Rai with intense apathy.

Sakura glared at the smaller girl and then replied sharply, "Not _Naruto._ I meant Sasuke-kun. He was talking to himself. Saying stuff like, 'Ok! Ok!' I mean, that could be a big problem."

Rai shrugged, and watched Naruto from a distance. He was still dizzy and groaning, but that's what one would call a _hangover_. He was still a minor and had sake. Poor thing.

Anyways, forget about the little people there. Let's take a look at the real members of the Akatsuki. Itachi was gossiping about his little brother and his so called teammate. "And so, he was making out with him! Can you believe it?" Deidara grinned and then replied to his information. "I think that's cool… yeah."

Kisame was smiling which of course, looked like an evil smirk. Zetsu was switching voices again and again. A moment or two passed, and Itachi spoke up again, "You know what else? It's so weird because it was such a turn-on." Everyone stared for a while, but shrugged it off.

Sasuke then all of the sudden burst into the room, and shouted, "I swear, Itachi! I will kill YOU!!!!!!"

Then BOOM.

We don't know what happen to the condom, because the cat ate it. Yeah. Blame it on the cat. Damnit.

After moments later…

Saving a Cell Phone – If your cell phone ever takes a dive into a tub or a beverage, follow these tips to revive it.

Sooner or later every cell phone goes in the drink. For some it may be the bathtub, for others a glass of scotch. For many, the toilet. (No need to explain.)

Hey, you spent hundreds of dollars on that handset, so it's understandable that you might decide to attempt to rescue it. But how?

Oh wait. Wrong story article… Thing… Yeah.

"Arr, matey!" yelled Naruto in his poor pirate accent. Sasuke didn't seem very amused, but still watched him anyway. Sakura sighed, and wondered what she had done wrong to deserve hell. The three were currently in the room in which Sasuke had his pink throne.

Rai walked into the said area.

"I am your father," she said darkly, looking very serious about this matter.

"…What?" asked Sasuke, unsure of her words.

"Nothing," she replied, quickly turning silent.

At a randomly quiet moment she yelled dramatically, "WHY CAN'T YOU UNDERSTAND?! I AM YOUR FUCKING _FATHER_!"

Then she ran out.

* * *

A/N: This fanfiction is on crack. I know, don't tell me, they're EXTREMELY OOC.

Credit the "Saving Your Phone" thing to Yahoo! because I got part of the article from there. THANK YOU, YAHOO!!

Please review.


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